Gone too soon

December 23rd I went into Dr. Yin for my OBGYN check up for our new little baby and found that our sweet little baby had left us. There was no longer a heartbeat. Our baby had a heartbeat just 3 weeks before and then at almost 10 weeks old, our baby died. So at 3 months along, we discovered this and just before Christmas so I was taken in that same day at Sierra Vista Hospital for a D&C surgery and was able to go home the same day. At that time, I don't think that it had all really sunk in. We still went out to breakfast for my birthday the next morning and life went on as usual. Christmas day was pretty rough. Michael had to work and I was feeling pretty lonely. The girls were wild with excitement and running all over and Michael had a very challenging day at work. I longed for him to be by my side so that he and I could be together with our beautiful girls as a family. As the day dragged on and I had brought the girls home to nap, I sat alone. It was tough but I felt comforted by The Lord. By the end of the day when Michael had arrived home from work, I was in a lot of pain and extremely tired but I wanted to put on a happy face for our children and the rest of our family. We went to dinner at my brother's house and didn't stay long. We came home and let the girls open up their mountain of gifts! Seeing the excitement on their sweet little faces was incredible! They are such angels! Natalie jumped up and down and screamed with excitement for her sisters! She is a great big sister and is always loving with Delaney and Kherrington. After we put the girls to bed, Michael and I opened our gifts to eachother and then passed out for the night. The next day, I was in a lot of pain. My tummy was cramping and my lower back hurt so badly. I felt like I was in labor and was bleading heavily. Michael drove me to the emergency room where they discovered that I had a blood clot in my uterus that needed to be removed immediately. They took me to the opporating room right away and I stayed in the hospital for 2 days afterwards to be observed. As my hormones have been dropping back off and returning to normal, I am experiancing all the typical symptoms that anyone who had just delivered a baby would,...night sweats, strange dreams and really large hormones swings. Lots and lots of tears and feelings of wondering and of loss. I find myself praying and reflecting a lot on what may have gone wronge. I know that all mothers who have lost a baby must wonder this and it is almost always something that could not be prevented. All things will happen in God's time and according to His plan. But I can't help but wonder. I find myself clinging to our children and hugging on the constantly, so thankful that they were born into our home and have filled our lives with such joy. I find myself feeling very lonesome, missing Michael as he puts in long days at school and work and feeling the ups and downs of loosing a baby. I feel misunderstood by many, who can't understand how I could possibly feel a void in my life when I have 3 children and a wonderful husband. This pregnancy came to us as a surprise and left us the same way. I found myself so sick with nausia and unable to do most of the daily activities that I had done before. I didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant again at that time as I knew with Michael so busy that it would extremely challenging and overwhelming for me. As we learned of our loss, I felt sad that I had been bitter about the pregnancy in the begining. Guilt and sadness washed over me and as the days have gone on, I find that the hormone swings often leave me in tears and not wanting to be near anyone who is pregnant. No one who has never lost a baby can begin to understand how it feels. And there are so many emotions that go along with that type of loss and helplessness. Soon after loosing this baby, I learned of one of my best friends who was 8 months pregnant, and lost her baby as well. I have been feeling so much sadness for her loss as well.She is one of the kindest people I know and to think that she was having to experiance such a loss as well has been emotional to say the least. Her strength and patience gives me strength. Her love makes me feel loved and her faith to our Father in Heaven teaches me and reminds me of my own faith. I think of the many mothers that have gone before us and have loved and lost their own children. My mind has been spinning with all the loss that has surrounded us this past year with the loss of Jared and and now our baby and the loved ones of our dearest friends. But I am reminded that life does go on and that God does love us and wants to comfort His children. When we are at times of helplessness we must turn to Him as we must do at all times, in all things and in all places. With all that we are going through, I am so thankful to have His comforting spirit beside me. Kherrington is crying now so I must return to my motherly duties but I am thankful for the chance to record my experiance to look back upon. I will love The Lord My God in all things I do and Praise Him. When I spoke with my girl friend who has just lost her baby and she told me that she had read a book called Gone too Soon, and that is exactly how I feel,...gone too soon.