Mommy's last picture

  I look at this picture and not only does her beauty shine forth but I can just see her wonderful spirit. I lost my absolute best friend on August 16th 2012. I never thought those words would leave my mouth. I appoligize to be so graphic but I cant stop reliving the horror of being woke up at 2 in the morning by my sister becasue the babies were crying and sharla wasnt getting up to feed them only to find out my wife was no longer there in spirit. I love her so much. and the moment I held her I knew she was gone. I felt so hopeless, I knew I would never see or talk to her ever again in this life. I did get that last moment with her before I went to bed. You see we were out of town at my sisters house in Camarillo. We were on vacation and going to Disneyland the next day. She had discovered that night that she had a Kidney stone. 8 mm she tells me on the phone. I could quite comprehend exactly how big that was. She tells me that it is about the size of a grape. Then she tells me the doctor prescibed her this new medication she had never heard of. She never stood a chance and the medication was just to strong for her. I lost my wife. That evening before bed I was sleeping on the couch next to my 3 girls who were on a blow up matress next to me. Sharla was to sleep in the other room with my sister and the twins in the pack-n-play. She said she had missed me so much that day (she had been stuck in the VA hospital for over 6 hours having tests ran) She layed next to me on the couch and snuggled me. We were so excited for the next day to go to Disneyland and talked about the new cars land and how excited that we were finally going to see it. I started to doze off after about 15 minutes and she asked me if she wanted to let me go to bed. I had said yes and she then told me that she was wide awake and was going to lay on the floor n my sisters room so that she wouldn't disturb my sister and just veg out on the laptop. That was the last time I saw her alive.
    After writing that just now I froze and just stared at the screen. The images just keep playing in my head. I cant help but think, "what could I have done better? What could have changed? Why was I so selfish to want to go to bed when I hadnt seen my wife all day long and all she wanted was a little bit of time with me? My sister had offered to switch me and her sleep on the couch so I could be in bed with her and the only reason I said that I would take the couch is because I know Sharla had a hard time sleeping at night and would want to be on her laptop and I needed it to be completely dark in the room or I couldnt sleep. If we would have only known what the otehr name for the medication that they gave to her was or if they would have done any patient teaching about the medication, would she have taken it? That day the VA had offered to let her stay at their sleep clinic because they wanted to monitor her seep because she had had so many issues being able to sleep. Would she still be alive if she had just said yes? So many questions and "what if's" But I know that I cannot focus on that. I know I cant wonder about questions that will never have an answer. I feel sick. I feel almost like I am standing in front of a split in the worls with a thousand different ways to go and I have to chose right then and only one will not take me to certain doom. Sharla I need you now more than ever. It is kinda weird to say, but I need to now to hold me and help me mourn your death.
   I cant be all negative even though I do believe I have ever right too. I need to heal and being negative and sad all the time will just make me even more alone. I cannot push away the ones I love. I can't be afraid to accept help. I cant be afraid to cry in front of anyone but my kids. Sharla fulfilled her promise she made to the lord before this life and I believe that I in a way knew what was to happen in this life and I accepted that because of some reason I do not know yet. Yesterday I had one of the greatest experiances of my life. I had called my Bishop of the church to come over to give me a blessing. As he had laid his hands on my head and gave me a blessing I remember thinking I need to listen to ever word he says for inspiration. That only lasted seconds as my mind wandered off and instantly without a doubt felt her lean in front of my where I was sitting in that chair and slip her hands through my arms around my waist and hug me tightly with her head on my chest. It felt just as real as it had in real life. Not even a few seconds later without warning or word, my daughter Delaney walked in, knelt in front of me, put her arms through my arms around my waist and hugged me tightly with her head agaist my chest. I teared up. I felt as if it were Sharla. I knew then she was there with me.
   Yesterday I had to chose where in the cemetary to place my wife. I thought picking a location wouldn't be that difficult, boy was I wrong. I spent what felt like eternity trying to find the best place for her. Then it came to me. She was to be buried in the Military section and there was a huge memorial with all the different services flags flying. Where that memorial is and where it meets the sidewalk I started to walk in one direction and took 12 steps. Then I turned towards the grass and took 24 steps. 12/24 her birthday. It just felt right. I had thought originally doing the year we got married, but thought taking 2006 steps might be a much and wouldn't be in the cemetary anymore.
  So we have this picture. The last picture I ever took of Sharla. She looks so happy and I know that she is just as happy where she is at now. Many of my family and friends have said that they have already felt her presence and some have even said that they have heard her voice tell them not to worry, that she is happy where she is at. I will carry on this blog, and will make sure that the prior family continues. Our story may not physically have her in it, but I know that everything we do and say will include her spiritually. Rest in Peace my love. The kids will know who you were and the many lives you touched. The support has already been tremedous and I know that it will continue. I will have days where I will hurt as if there is no tomorrow. I wil have days where I will just want to be held and comforted. I will even have days where I might curse Sharla for leaving us. But I know that in all of these days, one thing wil always be true, My love for you is everlasting and will continue to grow for you.
  I then see this picture. The only picture that I can recall that had all 7 of us in it. I will treasure this picture and this will help me remember tht we are an eternal family. We are sealed together which means that in death we are all bound to each other and we will continue to be together after this life. I was once told that this life is just the stepping stone to get to where our life really begins. In the eternities together. Our life here is just to prepare us for what is to come.I believe that and no one will ever take that away from me. If I don't have that belief and hope, then I really have nothing to live for. Thank you to everyone that has touched our lives. I say our becasue I may have not have known you personally. But from your stories, I have learned so much. I want to know everything about Sharla. I know there was so much that even after 7 years I didn't know about her. Please tell me it all. Every story you have of her. There will never be enough, I promise.