Planned vs. unplanned

Hey babe,
How are you doing up there love? Today I have been reflecting a lot today how I feel like I am standing in front of a one-way mirror, and I am on the end that can only see my reflection. I know that you are on the other side watching me. I know that there are so many things that you wish you could tell me, like what it is like on the other side. If it is everything that we have ever imagined. If you get to see the lord, if you get to be with other loved ones who have passed on. So many things I know you wish you could tell me right now. But I understand that you can only tell me the things that are important to me here in this life. My goals I need to reach for to be prepared. The people who's life I will need to influence. The way I need to raise our children. I have an earthly view and you have an spiritual view. Something that I need but don't always fully understand. Everyday I wish that I could just be up there wi you. I feel like my purpose in life to have you and I got that. Now I try to find a purpose to live, to continue on when all I want more than anything is to be with you there. It is a constant battle to remember that I am meant to be here and it is for a certain reason. Our children give me that purpose every day and do not want them to have to grow up without any parent. It's funny how this life takes certain twists, certain turns. We think we are under full control of our choices, of our decisions. But we really aren't. Every way I had imagined my life turning out never happened. You and I had always imagined being married for a few years so that we could travel. instead we got pregnant with Natalie 3 months after we were married. We had planned on me being a cabinet builder and one day owning my own business. I did end up owning my own business but turned out to be in Photography. We had planned on only having two children. Instead we were blessed to have 5 beautiful souls. We had planned on my best friend Jared and his wife always living next door to us and we would all have our children all grow up together. Instead 2 months later after moving next to us found out my best friend Jared had a failing liver and passed away a few months later. We had planned on me having a successful career and always having enough money for our needs. Instead found myself because of the economy being unemployed for 4 of our 7 years together. We had planned on growing old together and forgetting about the world. But here we are now. We are in two different worlds, with a one-way mirror separating us. Do I believe that I had full control of my life's decisions. Not completely. Does that upset me? Not at all. Know why? Let's go back to my original wants and desires. If we would have travelled the world for a couple years before having children, who knows if we would have enjoyed that lifestyle so much that we would have never wanted kids. I would have never had these wonderful children. If I would have been a cabinet builder. I would have never met the hundreds of people who I have with my photography buisness. I would have never had the support that I have had with your passing. I may have had to do this completely alone. If we had decided to only have 2 children, then Kherrington, Daxton, and Parker would have never had been. I would not give them up for the world. My best friend Jared who was not only a huge part of my life but was of my wife's too. If he had not passed, who would have been there to greet you on the other side. Who would have been there to comfort you on the other side? If I had had a successful career and not ever been unemployed, then I would have never got all those years with you. Just you, me and the kids 24/7. Also not having all the money forced us to stay home most days and figure out how to do things together here at the house. We really got close to each other as a family. Lastly you were taken from me. How can I turn you taken away from me into a blessing? Well I can't. But...you were the most faithful out of all of us.you knew what it meant to "walk with god" I knew it, but did not understand it fully. I still don't. But what your passing has shown me is that if I want to find my way back to you, then I have to understand it. And I have to apply it in to my life. Too many times I tell the lord that I love him and he tells me to prove it. Then I shrug my shoulders and say "well I seem to be wrapped more in the world right now, but eventually will turn my back on the worldly things" but have I? I know you say "no" I know you are on the other side of that one-way mirror cheering me on. I know how badly you just want to tell me all of gods secrets, how you just want to for even a second show me a piece of heaven. But the lord tells you "let's see if he can do this by himself." almost like a father allowing his son to take his first step without help. Can I do it? Do I have a choice? My mind has already been made up. It's you, it will always be you. If that is where you are, then that is what I want. I Love You Sharla! Thank you for helping me to see that even though the lord has re routed my life many times, it has been because it needed to be to feel and know what true love is. I do not plan for the future anymore. There is no point. I am yours Sharla. I am yours lord. I will follow thee where ever thou hast planned for me.