Anger, Frustration, Depression......Love, Peace, Understanding

 

Anger, Frustration, Depression. All things I felt today on my way home from work. I felt Anger because how dare anyone take you from me. I know I have constantly said this, but baby we really had everything we ever needed. If what we had was all we would ever be given in this life for the rest of our mortal lives, then I would have been eternally satisfied. Growing up I had one goal in life and that was it, to just find you one day. When I lived in Brazil, I literally prayed every night that the Lord would keep you safe and the days until you met me would be joyful until the day you were mine, to which Joyful would be turned into pure happiness. I got you Sharla. You were mine. I had you in my grasp. Then in a blink of an eye you were gone. As if you were just stolen from me with no warning or sign. Not even given the chance to say goodbye.I know some people have suffered the loss of a loved one who had cancer and was slowly dying. I know that their torment of losing that loved one is difficult on a different level because they know they are going to die, just dont know when. I would never want that to ever had been you, but i know we would have at least of known that we would have to say goodbye soon and would try our best to mentally prepare ourselves to say goodbye and that we would be together again. But just like that, you were gone. You were not sick, you were fine. There was no close calls, there was never any "what if's" Just gone. That gave me anger as I yelled to the top of my lungs today in the car. My face turned bright red and felt my face heat up. My head even started to throb. My mental pain had now turned physical. Then Frustration set in. I found myself incredibly frustrated. Frustrated at my life. I had given my life to my faith, I had given my thoughts and desires to the Lord and allowed only the ones that would help keep my morally clean would I allow to stay with me as i dismissed the rest. 31 years of chosing the right. And this is how I felt I was being rewarded for it. You see, I had always been taught that if you make right choices, you are rewarded. You were my reward, and now it had been taken back from me. What happened? Nothing had changed in my life. I still made the righteous choices I had before. I was frustrated. For but a brief moment I almost felt betrayed. This is where depression set in. Now I no longer wanted to be here. I drove past every tree on my way home through the back roads wondering if that one would be the end of me. I almost had hoped that some car might lose control smacking into mine. There were not good thoughts, and i am not proud of them. But they are a reality. My voice was now hoarse from the yelling. My screams now turned into pleading. Not for the Lord to make me feel better, but to just take me from this world. My place was with you love. Was to be by your side. Not here alone, trying to find a way to survive everyday. Right about then the rain drops started to hit my windshield. Pitter patter, they got stronger. Then as I came around a corner there was an opening in the clouds and the sun peeked through just enough to hit me in the eyes, causing me to squint. I didnt think anything of it. Then I sat there now drying my tears thinking about my new shift working NOC's. That is what started this whole thing today. Up till now everything had fallen into place for us. This was our last hurrdle to get past. Many prayers had been said I had so much faith that I would get the AM's that i had prayed for. But alas, it wasnt to be. I wondered, "why would I get this far to possibly have to give it all up because I wont be able to afford it and this happen?" It almost felt like a sick joke. Now remember when I said the sun hit me in the eyes? It happened again. This time I felt a message tyed to it. This whole time I had secretly be happy about working at ASH because I knew it was a dangerous place and if anythig serious happened to me and I lost my life, then I found a way to get there to you. It didnt scare me. I heard myself saying, "Oh course I have a death wish, I just want to be with my wife." The message I got with the second blast of sunlight said in my mind "I gave you NOC's because that is when you are your safest. That is when the scary guys are asleep. This is my way of protecting you because I am not going to let you get hurt." As plain as day, that message came into my mind. I actually let out a little laugh. I sighed, and this is when I brought my focus back. To that everything happens for a reason! If I am to work NOC's, then it is for a reason, and maybe it is that reason alone. I think back to when we first met. You were a member of my faith but had left the church many years previous. You had a life much different from the one I had. But one day two missionaries showed up to your apartment. They chatted with you for a bit and found out you were a member. They invited you to church. But you declined. Then a couple nights later i was having a really rough night. A friend of mine invited me over where there were some friends hanging out. I decided to go and got myself some dinner at subway. As I brought it over to this friends house, there were these two girls standing outside. and one says to me, "Hey did you bring me dinner?" I did not know who this woman was and laughed a little and shrugged it off and walked to my friends apartment who was in the same complex as this woman who just talked to me. That woman was you. Then three months pass. You get a job at a place and a girl who works there you find out is also a member of your faith that you had not been involved with in years. She constantly asks you to come back to church. The desire slowly starts to creep into your mind, but still decide to not go. Then your best friends dad calls you and tells you that he felt like he needed to print your name in the church program of that same church to come give a talk. He did it because he felt inspired. You did not think it was funny, but went anyways. You were nervous and talke about what it was like to be in Iraq. You did so well at your talk. There were many people sitting in that congregation that day. I was one of them. Seeing you up there I just remember your beauty and how interesting you seemed. I wanted to talk to you so badly, but so did many other guys that day and beat me to the punch. A couple weeks later you decided to go to another church session. You sat right next to me and there was a girl sitting there who kept scratching my back and for some reason you kept wondering if she was my girlfriend, she was not. A week after that I was getting back from work one night and decided to go to a friends house to visit with them. When I got there, there you were, sitting there talking with someone else. i knew you looked familiar but just couldnt tell because you had cut your hair and dyed it. But you still looked SO beautiful. I struck up a conversation and we talked for hours, well...you talked LOL. We ended that night actually shaking each others hand. The next day was church again. You showed up and sat with all of my friends. I sat there with two of our friends in between us and we started passing notes back and forth to each other. That day we were to have a church community luncheon at a friends house and you said you were coming. I actually arrived there two hours early and all I could think about was talking to you again. three hours went by and you still were not there. I thought you werent coming. Then my friends phone rang. It was you. I heard her talking to you and I could hear her saying that she was bummed that you got a flat tire. Then this friend leaned into the house and asked who could go help you change it because you didnt know how. I was already out that door before she even finished her sentence. i yelled to her to call me and tell me where you were at. The rest of the story is history. The reason I tell this long story is that there is no way this was coinsidence. This was meant to be. How many times did our paths cross? Every little detail had to happen in order for us to meet. She felt no desire to want to go back to church. She runs into numerous people in the church in the span of such a short time, decides to go, this is where I see her and take notice, I have a bad day and go to a friends house and see her there, she feels a burning in her heart that she wanted to go back to church, this time she sees me and takes notice, go to a friends house where she is at and this is the first time we talk and connect, then I change her tire giving us time together just the two of us to talk. If that wasn't in Gods plan then we created almost an impossible stand to lucky breaks. Your now gone. Was that just an unlucky break? Not at all. Just as much as you and I were destined to finally find each other, you were destined to depart this world. Why? I dont know. I may never know while I am still here. But if there are a line of situations to happen to ultimatly bring together the whole pie, who am I to break that chain by making a stupid selfish decision? I love you Sharla. Just as much as you ended up in my presence, I know that this too was meant to be. I will continue to push my trust. My faith may waiver from time to time. When it does, just blind me with the sun