Roller Coaster

I cant help but have reflections of who we once were and who we have now become. A tear drops forms on my eyelids because every now and then I start to forget exactly the way you said, "I Love You" to me. Your voice is still in my mind, but your vocabulary of the words I can remember you saying had become somewhat limited. I am so terribly terrified if I ever get to the place where I can no longer remember your voice. I am in a state of mind right now that feels as if I am on a roller coaster. It is one I never wanted to ride and the worst part is I can not find a way to get off. What makes it worst is when I look at the person who is supposed to be sitting next to me, no one is there. The truth of the matter there is no one on this coaster. Just me. I know that there are many people who are riding a coaster much like mine right now. But the reality of the situation is that it is always solitary for each one of us. We all ride our coasters alone because the story of despair of losing someone can only be tailored to that individual. What each person shared with that loved one who is no longer here was their story and theirs alone. We all tread down the lonely tracks just trying to figure out a way off the coaster. Some chose to just jump, some chose to continue to ride it and accept that that is where they will always be. But there are some who chose a different path. They are the ones that know, just know one day there coaster will become enjoyable. The ups, the downs right now feel scary. They feel like I am plumetting to a dark end. Just when I think I have found the bottom which will end it all, it goes back up. Right now when that happens my mind just tells me that it will just go back down. But does that have to be a bad thing? Remember about that other group of people who learn to enjoy the ride? That is because their outlook has changed. That scary twist in the coaster, may be having to live a new life completely different to what they are used too. It may be unwanted now, and even uncomfortable. But down the road that new life has made me stronger. Has made me a better person. That drop in the coaster may represent absolute and sudden depression. That person feels as if it is over. They are now falling from the sky to an end that will be as sudden as the life taken from them that should have never been taken. That is true for the person looking down as they drop. What if I were to not look down, but look up towards the place I will be heading next? It actually looks just as high up as where I just was. Ever since you left I felt like my life was over. No one in the world even mattered to me as much as you did. I was actually eager for the day to arrive when it was my time to go and while I waited for it, I just wanted to lay in a corner and wait for it to come and let everyone else around me live my life for me. I wanted to be a vegetable. But lately I have been meeting so many new people. People who are so kind to me, people who say I have made an impact on their lives. People who I can see a bright future with as a good friend. There have been people who I had been passing for years and never knew they existed, and now they have become a shining light in my life. I am starting to really see the beauty in people. Just walking in a store, I can look at someone and even though it may look like they are having a rough day, or occupied with some important decision, that their beauty radiates and I just want to be a part of that persons life. Now here is the part of the coaster that frightens some people to no end. The loop. What does this loop represent? As I move forward and hit the loop about halfway I get a brief moment to see where I just was. Meaning that I just saw the life I once had and it brings me to tears. It is a trick because for a brief moment when going around that loop I think that I will get to go back to where I used to be. That this was all just a dream. But the trick gets you and finishes up that loop and continues to take you forward leaving you to reflect on the past. Wanting it back so badly. This is where I struggle the most. I have days where my coaster just continues forward with no loops. I start to feel strong. No more tears. But then I see it on the horizon. It is coming and there is nothing I can do about it. It is said that those who suffer a lifetime of seizures can get to a point where they can have an aura. Which means the exact same thing happens everytime they are about to have a seizure. That way they can actually prepare for the enevidable. This is how I am right now. I have gotten to a point where I just know I am going to lose it and I have a short window to prepare for it. To find a quiet, safe place by myself and just cry and cry. So to some it may seem as if I have gotten so much stronger. i wouldn't say so much stronger and I would say, better prepared. I do not have any advice on how to turn the loop into something positive. It is what it is and I know only time will turn those memories of want into memories of celebration. I still ultimately battle with the loop. I have many who are out there to help me return back to normalcy, and are doing everything in their power to do so. I thank them with every fiber of my soul. Time is a beast. Time takes just that...time. One day I will find a way to stop listening to sad music and turn on the song that once was yours and not have it drive me to tears. I just have to continue to ride my coaster and find a way to enjoy it. One day I will and have already comes miles upon miles of success. For now, I ride. I love you Sharla. I will ride it because of that. You are worth every drop of pain that exists to find my way back to you one day. I fully understand when someone says to their loved one, "I would walk on my hands and knees around the world just for you." I would...