Memories...

  I know this isn't the best picture of me but as I looked through your phone, it was the last picture that I could find of the two of us. I cannot remember the specific location of this picture, but I do remember how you tries to take the picture of us and you just couldn't get the angle right. So I grabbed it from you and got it on the first shot. Anyways its amazing the feeling connected with a picture. As I sat here tonight looking through a bunch of pictures you or I took with your Iphone, pictures in fact I dont ever remember getting a chance to look at because you never liked me touching your laptop, I see pictures that bring tears to my eyes, pictures that made me laugh, and pictures that made me think,  "i don't remember taking that." I look at the pictures and wish they would move. Almost in a way that I could replay those images as that event was happening. Only some of them can I remember what exactly was going on, but others I cant. I can't fill in that blank and that brings almost sort of a pain. I know as I get older certain images of your life which I can remember now will slowly start to disappear. I am trying so hard to write things down as fast as possible so I can keep those memories alive. I never want to lose them. I am very fortunate that I can still hear your voice. I remembered that I had always complained that we needed to get a camcorder because I was so fearful that as the kids grew we would forget what their personality was like as a child. That was such a big concern of mine. I would have never thought that we would need one to record of just the two of us. It wasnt until my birthday of this year that we had gotten a camcorder. Only we never did get to use it very much because I would always forget to charge the thing. I wanted to tell you something that I had never gotten a chance to tell you. About a month ago when the doctors found something in me that they wantd to check out furthur and said even though extremly rare, wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer. It caught me off guard when they said that and for the first time in my life wondered if it was, was this the way I was going to go. I was so scared that I actually started using the camcorder to do short little talks on it for my wife and kids if something were ever to happen to me. I had actually come to you at one point and told you that we should start filming ourselves for our kids in case that were to ever happen. We never got around to doing it.
   There are so mny regrets that I could come up with if I decided that I wanted to waste so much energy. I am really trying to not think of those because I know I will never be able to change them. Some of them constantly flood my mind, like did I do the CPR correctly? If I would have been stronger while I was giving you CPR and didnt stop after a few times to scream and hit the floor in fear that you were gone, could the constant CPR of saved you? When the parametics told me they did everything they could, if I didn't accept it and demanded they take you to the hospital, could they have saved you? These are the "what if's" the "senarios" I can't seem to get out of my head. I know that I  need to find a way, I need to.
  Everyday I am told how amazed people are of how strong I am. I really am too. I have found that mornings are my most difficult, but afternoons tend to be my best time and I have found strength through my faith and what I have been taught all of my life. When most boys were being taught about becoming a professional athlete one day, I was being taught about Eternal Families. You see I came from a home where my Mom and Dad divorced when I was only 10. I did not understand it bck then and it just made no sense that I had to live in 2 different homes. This just couldn't be right. That is when I started paying more attention in church and learned that it did not have to be this way. That I could one day have my Eternal happy family. I dreamt about it all the time. To have a wife and kids forever. I obsessed over it and prayed all the time that the lord would keep my future wife safe. I mean in my eyes she was precious cargo. At the age of 25 you arrived in my life and you know when people say there were sparks and the earth stopped spinning? Well I never understood that until I met you. It was amazing how we fit each other. Almost errie some had said. It was like everything I had been missing in my life was in you. I remember sitting with some friends and getting a text message from you. To this day it was my most favorite text message and tried to save it for as long as I could. You said to me in that text message  (and this was before we were even dating) "You are the light at the end of my tunnel." That was when I knew I found my precious cargo. That was when I found my forever.
   Life was so sweet from there on and we got so comfortable in life that there never was a worry that something would happen to any of us. I almost felt invinsible because nothing serious had ever happened to either one of us. In fact the only thing that ever happened is when we lost our really good friend Jared. and even then we felt really sad that that had happened to his wife Kristen. We felt really bad for her, but grateful that nothing like that would ever happen to us. Jared was having liver problems and he knew that eventually his liver would go out and would have to get another one. But what happened to you was sudden. There was no warning. I had no chance to say good bye to you. But I know you are okay with that because you know this is not good bye. It is just a temporary farewell while you go off to work. I would always say to you "sweet dreams" I need you to do me just one favor. Please give me "Sweet Dreams" I could really use them right now. I have to keep focused on that. i need to know that to be true. And even though I have alot of pictures but few videos of you. Those are all earthly possesions and will eventually be distant memories. The memories we will be able to hold on to forever is knowing that we are forever bound together, and we will create many more glorious memories in the next life together. i love you Sharla. I love that you chose me, and I love that one day when I arrive to where you wait, i know you will still chose me and we will once again be able to walk hand in hand to our next big adventure in our new life together.